There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I expend so much energy on trying to uplift and counsel other people. It gets to the point where... I lose sleep at night about them. Worrying about THEIR lives. Why can't I make their lives better? Maybe if I advise them this way... or that way? I see such brightness for them if they would just change some things. And I've been steadfast for a long time with a key number of people that I try to encourage... I try to hold on. But the idea of letting them go by the wayside has become increasingly attractive. All that same energy that I'm giving to them could very well be channeled into things that I want to do with myself and my world. Besides... constantly being a cheerleader to a team that won't change their ways and keeps losing is getting to be a drag. I literally feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall. But you know what... everyone has to live their lives -- they all have to burn their fingers on the fire to know it hurts. Me telling them that it burns is not enough. And if they want to be stuck in one place for the rest of their lives... and NEVER progress... and NEVER even attempt to realize their potential but CONSTANTLY bitch about where they are in their lives...
So be it. I have no more words of... anything. Umma rechannel and get myself out of where I am.
