There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Once upon a time... this girl right here had a fiesty spirit. I'd debate with the best of them. I would fight even better. (verbally of course *bats eyes*) But I would have the last word. And I would raise my voice and it would get terribly heated and you could scoop the tension with a spoon. It would get really bad. And who, you say, would I be fighting with? Anyone who wanted some. Specifically my boyfriends / boy toys, etc. For a long time I was trained in the ways of going head to head with men on .... well... any topic. And my brother taught me the art of debate. And how to be "Strong & Wrong" -- sometimes you realize that you may have chosen the incorrect stance for winning THAT particular argument... but it's too late to waver... you have to stand your ground... and be strong and wrong. So I charge at things head first in an argument, and I will emerge victorious. I had one ex who used to not be able to hide the grin at getting under my skin and making me yell at him. It was a challenge. Who was going to win? Really, in the end, no one... but if we were lucky, we may get some angry / makeup sex out of it. (Which is pretty amazing in the right situations).
At least... that's how it used to be.
I'm not sure if it's older age... or dealing with my baby (who after 2 good yelling matches and exactly one break up I realized doesn't roll like that) that has made me calm my hot behind down. I'm not so easy to anger anymore... in the midsts of an argument, I try to keep my wits about me and weigh both sides of the issue. I don't raise my voice or make offensive gestures or get in the person's face. As a matter of fact... I try to let the situation cool out... take a LOT of time to formulate my responses so that they're coherent and understandable by both sides so it's less of a "no... you're wrong -- I'm right" kind of situation and more of a "see... here's the issue... and here's how I see it... now tell me how you see it." After years of perfecting this tactic... I got into exactly 2 situations today that would have caused me to revert to the old me. The strong-and-wrong-I-will-be-right me. And in both situations I tried to use my new keep it calm tactics. And the more I tried to keep it calm... the more I wanted to yell. I found that I had to pull myself back a few times before I let myself get out of hand. Both situations turned out okay. No birds were flipped or egregious scenes were made. I marveled at how I've matured.
That was really the point of my post today. Sometimes it is good to take note of how you've changed as a person in the good and the bad ways. And I'm happy to know that that fiesty chick is still there on hand if need be.
