There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's been a minute since I posted but not a day goes by that I don't think I should write something. I've had a million thoughts in my head but none more prevalent than this -- I feel more disconnected during the holidays than any other time of the year. I used to think it was because I used to be in choirs and christmas shows. Surrounded by holiday cheer and happy, joyous people filled with excitement. And since my school days, I haven't sung in a choir or participated on that level at all. I'm completely disconnected from any sort of community. and I don't count the sisterhood because I swear that's there to challenge me to maintain my composure more than it is for me to feel love and happiness. I don't have a church home. I don't have a neighborhood (anymore -- most of the folks that made up my neighborhood moved out). I don't really feel a part of anything at work. These days more than ever I'm detached from my friends. Everyone seems to have their own thing going and rightfully so. I'm not even a part at home. I'm the last young person standing literally and it's just getting worse. I try to hold my mindset away from theirs -- no one here wants to celebrate ANYTHING. Much less the holidays. And while I busy myself with more projects than I can handle, I sit and listen to the aloneness. Just around this time... every year. And this year more than ever, I'm thinking... I may just need to leave it this way. I'm tired of fairweathered folks and people who want to just stay in touch when they feel like. It's just not how I operate and I'm seeing that how I operate... maybe isn't for everyone. Maybe isn't for anyone. I get a lot more of my projects done with less distractions. It really sucks to be communal and HAVE to be alone.
