There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
What's to be said for the person who doesn't "stick it out"? All our lives we're taught these examples by people who stay in situations and "see them through". Sometimes no matter how bad they are. Failing marriages. Dead end jobs. Demoralizing associations or friendships. But they tell you... hold on! don't give up! stay the course! I guess... it's supposed to prove how steadfast you can be to a cause. But what if it's eating you alive? What if it's making you wish you were never born... or wish you never met a particular someone... or making you hang up the phone shaking with tears of anger in your eyes that you are STUCK as the steward of another? Is it okay to run then? Is it alright to abandon a situation if you feel it will make your life better? What about... leaving to grow? Leaving a situation so that you yourself may have a better life? Does it have to get down to life or death? "If I don't leave him, he'll kill me" style situations? Can't it be just as bad as "If I don't leave her, I'll completely lose my grasp on what love really means" or "If I don't get out of this job, I'll NEVER have any self worth ever again" or "If I don't disassociate myself with this organization, I'll never feel that I make a significant contribution". What kind of hope do we abandon in ourselves when we stick to a "situation"?
There are a handful of situations in my life that if I could just be rid of... I believe that I'd grow as a human being. I'd get better and feel more like... my life and my time are worth something more than what I feel they are now. But I'm locked in place by those institutions and am being given little or no wiggle room. So does that classify me as a "quitter" if I leave those predicaments so that I can find better ones to be in?
I'm actually getting to the point where I don't care what others think because I myself am SO oppressed by these situations... that folks can call me whatever they want. I need out.
