There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So i took a weekend away -- walked out of the job at 1:00 PM and basically said eff it... jumped on a bus and headed to Hudson Valley for a weekend away. Didn't do too much spa-ing, but the lack of a lot of the "amenities" I'm used to forced me to sit and relax rather than nail myself behind the computer trying to do something to keep my mind occupied. Great report for Fall Lovers: they made a report the other day on the news saying that we won't see the brilliant change in the color of leaves this year because of how hot and damp this summer was. But upstate... the colors are in full effect. It was wonderful to see.
Tonight I'll just write about the crazy dream I had when I was down there and I'll get to the details later: I dreamt that there was a conference in that same hotel that I was staying in -- but it was a conference of all my exes. Some folks were simply not in attendance (namely Shawn). But some were definitely there... and it seemed that their purpose for being there was to display their single most undesireable trait as a reminder of why I'm not with them anymore. The visit I remember most was Luis. I remember the others coming in and being generally distasteful. But Luis was twice his size and twice his anger... and he just came in and shook me so hard... and he grew with every angry word. I woke up from the dream/nightmare at that point frightened out of my mind. I guess it's good to be reminded sometimes. I've definitely reached a higher ground.
I had a dream a few minutes ago that my baby was sitting at the edge of the bed and I was behind him... kissing and touching the nape of his back and I could feel the goosebumps rise on his skin but I felt them myself. But (unlike me...) I didn't move to go any further. I was contented with making his skin react. I had an unusually calm feeling after the dream. I'm here with him now and getting ready to get to bed.
