There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I went through my phone messages today. 9 saved messages. Of the 9... 2 were worth keeping. But I guess at the time, the other 7 seemed important enough to hold on to. But that was weeks ago. But I just held on to them. Seems so like life. At certain times, some things or ideals or people seem SO pressing that we must hold on to them. Because they feel important. Because they seem indespensible. Given enough time though... things that are worth keeping make themselves known. And it's undeniable.
I visited my uncle today at Lenox Hill Hospital. I really love that hospital. It's old fashioned, but I feel like the care they give is just superior. Diagnosis... he has a fist sized tumor (No one has really told me whether it's malignant or begnign for cancer). Luckily, the tumor is growing ON the brain, not into it and it's pushing the brain. So they did an embolization to see what arteries are feeding the tumor and cut that supply off. The Drs are surprisingly optimistic. "You've probably been noticing that he's slowed down considerably in the last year or so. It's because of the pressure on the brain. Who knows... when we remove it, he may act like he's 20 years younger." I forgot what it's like to talk to a doctor who has bedside manner.
On the way home, I commented on the girlfriends that showed up. My godson walked in with his girlfriend.... and introduced her as such. She greeted everyone and was very much interacting with the family. (he's 20) His older (29) brother's ... um... female friend stayed down the hall for the most part... was very to herself, never introduced herself nor did he introduce her. Almost like she came to support him...but knew it wasn't her place... or something. Plus... and this is the vain side of me talking (I only let this part of me talk occasionally, so indulge me). I feel that I've set a pretty high standard for the Cousins and my brother. I'm a beautiful, together, intelligent, no shit takin kind of female. They know not to even BRING their girls around me if they can't handle this heat. I am the Alpha Wolf. (hear me roar). And she retreated like the beta. Many have met the test and failed... and didn't last long. Didier's girl has my approval. The other chick... there's no room for weak females in this family....
...or is there?
As we discussed it more (my brother and I on the train)... we talked about the misfortune of the women in this family. They end up with a raw deal. A pattern that Domi has observed me as bucking in the near future. But the others... My dad is INTENSELY selfish and can't see anyone but himself which has locked my mom into a life serving him and nothing else -- even in her malady. My aunt's ex-husband ... well... the ex says it all. Rashes of infidelity run rampant. And then my brother dropped the bomb on me. "I wonder if Vava stopped beating his wife."
WHAT?
If it's one thing that I thought we didn't have in our family, it was cowards and punks. I guess... I was wrong. I hate to be wrong about my favorite uncle. And then I thought about karma... if you do something physically wrong to purposefully hurt someone... how does the universe hurt your physical. Make you an addict? Give you cancer? Maybe a tumor...
Damnit. I wanted to believe that his only vice was his addiction.
