There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I don't have the energy to retype everything so I'll just copy and paste the rant that I just typed to R. You'll get the gist.
me: just got off the phone with mom. she's complaining that there is so much to do in the house. last night dad had a tough night, he was sweating all night and she had to get up to change his clothes because he wouldn't. me: and this morning he had to empty the bathroom because they came to fix the plaster that was cracking from the ceiling. me: and so he was complaining. me: and she says... "I think I'm going to give up everything and go to a home". me: and I said... "Why would you do that, mom?" me: and she says, "Because at least then, I'd have someone to help me." me: ... me: so i say to her "Oh... i guess I shouldn't take that offensively at all, huh?" me: i just got off the phone at that point me: why do I even bother? me: i should have moved out when I had a chance. me: why would she have said something like that to me? me: i mean... me: i'm doing all that I can. me: within the limits of quitting my job and caring for them all the time. me: it makes me want to say "fuck it" me: here are some brochures for some homes... me: find one... get out.
Mom has officially gotten to the stage in Haitian aging that makes them say hurtful, offensive things to their kids JUST TO GET A REACTION. I'm not going to go through this . I refuse.
