There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
That sums up how I feel today. Just weird. One minute, I'm really happy. Then I'm really not so happy... borderline depressed. Then I'm indifferent. Then I'm lonely. So, I'm thinking that I must be around that time where my hormones take over and stop me from having the regular control that I normally have over my own emotions. Some how, I've convinced myself that I'm not the standard mushy, emotional female. That I have a shred more common sense and a little more control over my standard feminine emotional ways. But every so often, I have to allow myself to just be a girly girl. Must attempt to be true to my encasings sometimes. So I'll allow myself to be completely irrational and totally absorbed in emotion. Just for today.
So now at 2:27, the prevalent emotion is... indifference. I just don't care about anything. But that's coming off the heels of having been sad for an hour or so. My muse is visiting more often. Just been popping in and leaving a seed or two. I have to manage what he gives me a little more carefully. He used to come through and give me glorious music and prose and lavish me with inspiration; dote on me and make me feel intelligent and beautiful. But now he just peppers my life with occasional words. Not even complete thoughts. I've got to derive from what he gives me and make it work. I must've pissed him off last time I yelled at him and told him he only seems to come around when I'm destroyed. So now he doesn't come at all, really. Hindsight lets me see that he was applying the salve to my wounds. Silly me.
More later. Just needed a little release from work.
