There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So after giving myself a day to completely wallow in my own self pity about nothing that happened to me recently -- just the residuals off of watching SFU on Sunday then getting absolutely NO sleep that night and being zombified all of yesterday (hence the lack of a post)... I came to a few realizations:
1) I'm deathly afraid of being alone. My worst fear is that I'll outlive everyone. And have to manage on my own. Monetarily, physically etc... NOT a problem. But spiritually... emotionally -- to have no one that I love and trust around me sounds to be about the personification of my own hell. I looked into my baby's face the other day and listened to the sound of his voice, and feared for the day that I'd struggle to remember what he sounds like. Just like I struggle to remember my Grandmother's voice now.
2) I always seem to mourn people before they are gone (as a defense mechanism). I've been doing this since I was at least in college. I feel like if I brace and begin the ensuing pain, it'll be easier for me when the shit hits the fan. I remember worrying about my mother passing away while I was at the dormitory and not being able to be by her side, yadda yadda. But here she is -- 10 years later. Still holding on. How much happier memories I could be making of her / with her if I could just celebrate her life.
That it what it all boils down to. And truly... all enshrouded in fear. And I can't live my life like that. So I must live today. Who knows about tomorrow. I can't wait around for it. But I'll do it in bite sized pieces. I have all of these goals and I want to walk out of my house and achieve them all in one day and come home. But that's impossible. So... I'll do a goal a week.
The Goal for this week: CLEAN MY ROOM. So that I have a haven / sanctuary to return to every day. Not somewhere that I cringe going to because it's so disheveled and unlike me.
The Goal for next week: CALL AT LEAST 3 DOCTORS
The Goal for the week after: GET MY 5 HOUR CLASS DONE (it's a shame... I know how to drive... but have no license. That has to stop)
I think putting 3 out there with the running Goal of : PLAN MY WEDDING... should be enough to start us off. Makes no sense for me to sit here and ask why we do all this stuff if it's ultimately for nothing. It is for something. It gives me meaning now.
