There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I am having trouble finding enough peace tonight to sleep. I'm really troubled, but I don't know with what... and suddenly... I feel REALLY sad. Funny that I always offer to friends that I'm available for them even in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe I do that because I know how many times I wish I had the liberties to call someone at 3 AM and know they'd not be angr at me for it. No one ever really takes me up on it, though. I'm assuming mostly because ... they are asleep. Unlike me -- despite the fact that I have to be at work early tomorrow... so this being up even later is compromising my attempt to look like a good little worker.
I had a really decent night though. Hung out with my brother. He fed me at Olive Garden (mmmm... the biscotti....) we got home, watched SFU (cause he doesnt' have HBO), then caught a showing The Best Man - one of my all time favorite all black cast movies of the 90's. Laughed... talked... joked... enjoyed. Brother went home. Talked on IM at length with many IM buddies. Then... it was like a mass exodus. Everyone signed off (quite possibly because it was like... midnight already). And here I am... 2 hours later. Daddy's still awake. And so am I. I'm trying to burn my snazzy aroma therapy oil essence burner... but I hope this oil isn't for rejeuvenation and energy... cause then I'll NEVER get to sleep.
