There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm going to a LOT of these parties lately. In the last few weeks I've gone to 2 and I have 3 more coming up in the next 2 weeks. Florida. South Carolina. Georgia. Oklahoma. Everyone is leaving. It's a mass exodus for various reasons. School. Money. Opportunity. Peace of Mind. Fleeing from the rigors of New York. I admit... New York will chew your ass up. It's a city designed to feed on it's young. But... I couldn't live anywhere else. I love this place. I hate this place. But I'm not leaving. Something mind boggling, mountain moving, life altering would have to uproot me... like my baby. But if he stays, I stay. The part I love most about NY are the people. But my people are leaving in droves. There are enough people for me to make new friends, but I do so love the ones I've already made. I know they are moving on to bigger and better things elsewhere. Sometimes makes me wonder if that's that path that should be followed. In order for progress to be achieved, I'd have to leave NY? Doesn't seem right. I feel like, I can only achieve if I stay here. If I leave, I would have given up. I don't hate on anyone elses struggle but I know for me in my mind to feel like I've done what I'm supposed to do, I need to do it in NY.
SFU was pretty final last night. For those who haven't watched the episode "Ecotone" yet... do NOT continue reading. Really. Stop right now. For the rest, sooo... like... Nate is dead. WOW. And I guess he's gonna stay that way this time. Funeral proceedings and the whole nine. I have mixed feelings about it. Nate is an asshole at times. But who isn't? I am. He's imperfect. And his karma has always come around and bopped him in the head a few good times. I know there is some shit out there waiting to clap down on me too... no one is perfect. But, I really don't feel bad about his character being gone. Cause he really was pretty damned selfish. And I can't... I don't have the capacity to deal with selfish people. I don't understand them. They don't understand me, but take advantage of my selflessness. So I try not to associate. Besides, in this show, dead people come back and talk to the living all the time. I guess... rest in peace. Brenda will have to try to figure out what she's doing now. Karma has also dealt her a great deal, based on her life interactions. But... you get what you put out. That's the bottom line. Careful what you give.
