There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sometimes, I'm really not sure that I'm all the way here. Like... all of this is a dream that I've not yet waken up from and it seems long but really it's only been like... 3 minutes of REM sleep in the real dimension where I actually live. Which I probably am living in when I go to sleep and dream. Which is pretty scary, really, cause my dreams are WEEEIIIIRD. Strangest times I feel that way too. Like when I'm doing something that if i was doing while I was sleeping would be REALLY bad. Like most things involving water / moisture of some kind. I remember when I was about 20 or so, I was having a dream that I was walking through monsoon type rain by a lake and drinking water. It was bad. I'm surprised I didn't piddle the bed that day. *sigh*. But the point is I'm not sure I'm all the way awake. Sometimes I wake up from one particular dream feeling like, I'm not all the way out of it. I can't even describe what the dream is because I'm not left with any visual mental images of it. More of a feeling that I carry around with me all day that wherever I was... I wasn't HERE... and was in another state (of mind / body / being) doing something altogether different than what I normally do here. The one time I did anything mind / reality altering, I have a vivid rememberance of seeing the "layers" of reality. The one we choose to live in and the others that we're unaware of, care not to acknowledge, prefer to live in ignorance of. (Yeah... I must've had some "good shit"). But I've never, since, been able to sit back and relax and take everything I see as it is and for what it is. The first Matrix movie really spoke to me. Like... okay, it was a good action movie and all... but it really reached me on a deeper level where I've been questioning existence all my life. It was comforting to know that someone else out there was thinking the same things (even though, ultimately it wasn't the Warshawski brothers -- making me REALLY mad that 2 and 3 were just bastardizations of the original thought all in the pursuit of money, but i digress) but disturbing that we all have the same questions and no answers. I'm mostly afraid of the dark because I can't see the boundaries. I'm mostly afraid of existence for the same reasons.
