There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Ever feel the dynamic of a relationship change right before you and you didn't do ANYTHING to make it happen? But just like, one day you woke up and everything was different... sometimes in a good way... sometimes, uncomfortably? When I think about it happening, I imagine the plates of the earth moving. It's supposed to happen because the earth is growing and changing, but the effects are sometimes cataclysmic... sometimes beautiful -- pending on your proximity. I have a few relationships in my life that in the last few months have morphed and I'm not sure where they're headed. I'm uncomfortable mostly because I guess I was used to one thing and now they've turned into something else completely. I'm wondering if I should mention it at all because as I've been told a number of times, I'm overly sensitive, so it may just be me thinking something is happening.
Like... today... I had to stay home from work because... and there's no nice way of phrasing this... Dad was pissing blood. Yes. ICK. I know. So this is like... SUPER cause for alarm. Called in and told them I wasn't coming, took him to the Dr. who gave us the - "let's see if this is still happening 2 weeks from now" me: *blink, blink* soo... *looks at dad, blink* okay *looks at doctor right in the face*... normally this IS the cause for alarm... what would need to happen between now and 2 WEEKS FROM NOW that would, i dunno... further alarm us to take alternative action to coming here and having YOU placate us with dumbness and maybe end up at an emergency room; him: if he's still bleeding this way this time next week. Great... so he cut the wait period in half. Dumbass. Okay okay the point of my story. There is... or i guess... was... one friend who I would have undoubtedly picked up the phone and unloaded this on. Totally just spilled my guts, aired out my fears and with a few choice words from them, I'd be righted and calm. But, dialing that number or attempting to reach out to them now feels like... eh.. they don't want to be bothered with this. And THAT bothers me. How did I get to feeling that way? We didn't fight or say any meanness to one another. That comfort level just... dropped away. But it also feels uncomfortable to try and rectify it, because... maybe that's the way it needs to go... and I'd be thwarting fate or some shit. I dunno. But it's many relationships that are suffering the same thing. I think that I'm changing... I hope it's for the better....
I'm zonked from today, man. At least Dad is humerous. "I feel like a young girl coming of age..." he joked when he came out of the bathroom. Um... GROSS, daddy... but funny. I love that guy.
