There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm feeling the resurgence of my old self coming through. I'm really excited about it because... it's about fucking time. I'm back in the gym next week... the week after that, I'm taking a week from work to clean my house... then a trip down to Houston for some R&R then back to the grind. Since I'm back on my old schedule, I have taken care of 6 pending projects out of 11 that had been sitting there for months. I've been going to meetings and taking active part... taking ownership of ALL my work... whether it's for the man or for myself. It's paying off. Over the past 2 weeks, I've gotten at least 7 unsolicited accolades sent about me through the company and emails from my personal clients saying "You're on FIRE, girl!" I love it. The endorphins are the only drug I'll ever need -- aside from a smooth grey goose every now and again. Whew! I just hope I don't lose steam. This is the me that I'm used to. The one who ALWAYS gets what she wants because she works fucking hard for it. Not because she sits back and expects someone will just give it to her (like I've been doing for a while). I just feel my power coming back in to place. It's refreshing. I am the captain of my soul.
My baby and I are back on date nights. Tonight was bowling. We had fun. I broke 100 (118 to be exact) which is HUGE for me. I'd really like to learn how to play for real. Jean tried to teach me (he worked in a bowling alley when we were in college) but the things he was trying to teach me just confused me "Throw the ball down the aisle and just as you're letting go, shake hands with it.." WHAT? Anyway... I pick the heaviest ball and shuffle to the front line, cock back and release the ball... only when I'm not thinking about it, i get a strike. But if I'm all concentrating and trying to get it perfect... it ends up in the gutter. But we enjoyed our time together.
My girl LuLu left for Italy this evening. I'm happy for her. Her voice sounded TOTALLY different on the phone. She's free. I hope that the experiences that happened to her over the past month have enriched her life. She went through a rites of passage for lack of a better phrase. And she just seems at peace. And now she's trapsing off to Europe. She did mention that they're looking to deploy them back to Iraq in '06. Heaven help us all.
