There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So today was a huge milestone for me. One that I was really afraid of for a long time but I finally took that step. My baby and I opened up our joint checking account. Really scary step for me and I was totally freaked out the whole time. But it's done. The woman at the desk showed me what our names would look like on the check and I just stared at the screen. Isn't what I thought it would be (because I always imagined his name first and then my name with his last name below). But my baby let me take a little control over it and made me the primary, so my name was atop... his name below and my address. He held my hand the whole time. And kept asking me... what's up? what's wrong? -- nothing was wrong. It was all very right. And all very real. This man wants to marry me and live with me and grow old with and have kids with and genuinely be with me. It's huge to me. I told him I've dreamed of this... but never really thought about it. And now it's real. I just looked at his face and wondered what I would see in 50 years. I know we'll be around to find out.
