There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Things were this weekend. Things were good. Not spectacular off the hook or like... mediocre. They were good. On Friday, I came to my baby's rescue. He'd had a miserable day (on both work and home fronts). It was up to me to put some bacitracin on the wound, gently cover with a bandaid and kiss it so it would be all better. I panicked a little... unsure if I would know what to do. My brother assured me that I'd know when he got there. That's why he was rushing to me... because he had faith that I could make it all better. And I think I did. I gave him a huge hug upon seeing him, gave him 115% of my attention and many reassuring smiles and kisses and let him lean his head on me and lay his defeat in my lap and pour his heart out about anything that was troubling him. He was much lighter when he left me later that day. I asked him if he felt better and he replied quietly, "Much." Nothing matches that feeling.
I enjoyed the company of my family Saturday morning which I've come to appreciate more and more. I actually LIKE them most of the time. And more than ever, I can understand and respect the love they have for me. It's hard being a parent. And what an AWESOME decision someone chooses to make when they have a child. You're fostering an entire life. I am my parents. And I'm in debted to them forever. I love them more than ANYTHING in this world. And I don't have to preface that with "except for..." They are it. Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Yeah... and Daddy can get that too :-D
Okay... *misty* so... after the hanging out with them I went and hung out with my sweet baby. Where I took that mighty step into "joint" land. I think my fear is a yielding of power. I'm very independant in a lot of ways. I like to have control over anything with my name on it. I like to run stuff. And doing anything "joint" leaves it to chance that the other party might mess it up or leave it in my hands ultimately (which may have been avoided if I had just taken ownership of it in the first place... etc). But the way he held my hand and looked at me and reassured me that everything would be alright... I couldn't hold on to my reservations for long. This was it. He is the one. I know that sounds cliche... but he is. And not to heap on all this responsibility on him that he may not be able to handle or to see him in a light that makes him superhuman. He's just the one. The one for me. And together we'll be alright with all of our idiosyncrasies and quirky qualities. I feel good about that.
Later on that night me and my step-sisters got together to bid farewell to one of our sistren who has bought a home in Florida and is moving on. My heart was heavy. Not that I spoke to her every day and she's not my best friend in the world. But she has had an impact on my life and definitely someone I care about and tell my secrets to. And we all stood and gave a toast to her. It was likened to a funeral / wake where everyone goes up and speaks. But she was there to hear all the wonderful things people had to say about her and I think in life, EVERYONE needs that. It's nice to think that people think well of you. It's imperative to know what they think. We're so critical of our selves that when you hear that someone else looks up to you... or finds you inspirational... it mentally and physically jolts you. Because you're always striving to do more. It's important to know that what "little" you've done has positively affected lives. And she has. And I'm going to miss her terribly. That godforsaken panhandle is swallowing up more and more of my beloved. I guess I'm going to have to learn to like going there.
Finally today was just a day spent with my beloved and rolling around the city doing things we liked: eating, catching a movie, napping. We saw Wedding Crashers which was actually very good and I was quite surprised that my FAVORITE comedian, Will Farrell was in it *yessss*. We laughed heartily and mused at the different ideas we were getting from the wedding motifs in the movie. It was wonderful. At one point laying on his arm while he drove me home, I heard the radio come on and right off. It was his favorite song of the moment. So I asked him why he didn't leave it on. (get ready for the barf bags...) - He said he'd rather listen to the sound of my heart beating. That was the best music he could ask for right now. IS THAT NOT THE BEST???? Straight out of a storybook. *sigh* Who would have thought that after all this time, fairy tales might have a little something to them... :)
