There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This is the reason why I flip out. This is the reason why I lose all sense of reason and get all 'noid and upset when I think he's leaving. He IS the best thing that ever happened to me. He IS the answer to a prayer I offered up to God when I was in the 4th grade. He's everything I ever wanted and all the things I didn't know I needed. And he was right when he said... I'd be hard pressed to find anyone better. It's not impossible... but I don't want anyone else.
He spent an hour on the phone with me yesterday morning YELLING. (Let me reemphasize how he doesn't even raise his voice to talk to me.... half the time, I'm asking him to repeat himself for just regular conversation because he's so soft spoken - and even when we argue... it's more of a quiet debate than it is an argument). Okay... with that said... YELLING... full on... "go on and cry see if I care" style, progressively angrier yelling. For an HOUR. Can you imagine? I couldn't till yesterday. He reduced me to tears in seconds... and to saying nothing for that hour while he called me out. Told me to stop assuming that he's leaving. He's never waivered from wanting to marry me. He's gone out of his way to make sure I have everything I need. He was right. But he took some serious pot shots at me... dredged up issues from 2 and 3 years ago that he neve told me were an issue and now used them, fully boiled and threw them at me while I cowered in the corner. They blindsided me becuase I thought we share everything with each other as the days past... not after they've festered. From me getting dressed, out to the train, and until the commute took me underground, he unleashed, what seemed to be 4 years of pent up fury through my cheap little phone... and all I could do after a while was sit there and whimper. This was everything I never wanted and had already experienced elsewhere and never expected to with him. After I'd sucked it completely up and polietly replied to him that I'd call him once I got in the office, told him I loved him and sucked it up... I just stewed in m own mind. Thoughts of vengance, lonliness, anger, complete retreat all took up my thoughts for the rest of the ride in. I did as I said I would and called him when I got in... and that was the last time we spoke... till 10:45 PM.
I walked into my house, disgusted that I was still wearing my sunglasses ALL DAY (my eyes are already huge... but the crying turned them into small golf balls just perched on my head). And everytime I took them off, I remember a promise I made to myself in 1999... that NO MAN was ever going to make me cry like THAT again. And here I was... I kissed the 'rents and my mom announces... "E is waiting for you..." I noticed the light in my room... and I walked in and saw him sitting there. We spoke for a long time. Whatever beast had taken over the phone earlier was gone and my sweet baby was back. Apologizing profusley... telling me why he couldn't even get through a full practice without breaking down a few times. How he can't live without me. He HATES confrontation and just wants to believe that everything is okay....
