There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
The birds in my neighborhood start their song at 4:30AM. Why do I know this? Cause I got home from working Summer Jam at 3:00 AM... then worked for another hour and a half trying to stay ahead of the game. And I still feel like I'm behind. And as I laid my head down to try and sleep from a whirlwind of a day (that started at 7:00 AM and ended at 4:30 AM...) the birds started to chirp...chirp...chirp...chirp...chirp...chirp... Making it even harder to fall asleep. I did eventually and made a half day out of a full day. Packed with work. These last few days I've really been feeling the effects of a half staff. I'm just tired. I'd like to rest... for real, go somewhere where my name isn't being called every moment of every day. Today was especially rough. Despite the attempts of MB and Maxi to cheer me up... I was put through the ringer... and came out the other side completely minced meat. All points at which my nerves could be irritated, they were.
After an evening out with Max and a brief stint with my baby in the park watching them practice, we headed home. My mom tells me my brother got a 3 day eviction notice. *sigh* I can't help him out of this hole. I feel like i'm in the hole with him and all I can do is offer him a leg up to get out. But i'll stay in. And despite it all, I offered it to him. He sounded destroyed, defeated, completely miserable and like he'd given up. Then I looked at my computer's clock. 12:02 6/8/2005 - it's his birthday. I've been praying incessantly for THIS birthday for him. 35... it's a milestone for him because he thought he'd never make it here. Now here he is... and he truly feels he has nothing to show for it. Not even a roof over his head. He cursed being alive. Wished thag God would get on with it and kill him already. It was like a dagger to me to hear him say that. I felt like crying, but I didn't. My baby reassured me that we would find him a way out of this. Even if it was just to provide him a new opportunity to make more money. Not necessarily the money itself to get out of this situation. I appreciated his offer. But I just feel like... maybe Domi is justified in feeling forsaken. His luck NEVER seems to turn for the best. But then again... neither does his attitude. His resilience is weak. And if you have to be ANYTHING in life... it's resilient. Get knocked down... get up, dust it off... and go for yours. Never get tired. But he fears that first blow... to the point where maybe he doesn't even get in there and fight.
I'm so sad... I can't help him. Not even with my silverlining philosophies. He can't seem to find anything but fools' gold.
