There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
We sat and talked at length and went about discussing what happened in the morning and our feelings and some crazy stuff was dredged up about feelings in the past about his father and the way he treated his mother. Many apologies were exchanged and we are still together... wedding is still on, but we'll seek counseling and figure out what exactly is making us tick in the background that we can't see.
I did come away with a few things. 1) after a few opportunities to stare at my eyes in the mirror on Monday, and remembering that promise I made to myself about never letting another human make me cry like that... it is renewed. And guaranteed, it won't happen again. 2) No matter how I love him... how much he really means to me, how the thought of existing without him is terrifying and makes us both want to vomit, I will NOT be encased by the fear of losing him and watching him trapse off with someone else who will enjoy the spoils I could've maintained if I just ignored my feelings / instincts and just shut up and went along with the script. No one is worth that. I know he has what it takes to deal with me and who I am... and if he doesn't... then it's really not meant to be. Reminds me of that line from When Harry Met Sally:
"I'm saying that the right man for you might be out there right now and if you don't grab him, someone else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband."
That's not the game I'm playing, nor has it ever been. If in fact, Earl isn't the one for me... then I can't think that if someone else gets him that he "could've been mine". I did think once upon a time that I'd NEVER find someone who loves me as much as Shawn. But I did. Took a lot of time and working on myself... But Earl is Shawn 10.0 revised to the millionth power and THEN SOME. So, whatever happens to me... I must be me. God's got me firmly in hand. "Acting As If" has never gained me anything but a false sense of security. 3) This is only ever going to work so long as we both WANT it too. Fortunately, that isn't something that changed through this. As long as he and I can stay focused on that ... we'll be fine. Clink, you're right. Our love for each other supercedes all of the crap. And keeping open lines of comm. will be the only thing to save us. So we're working hard at it. Today was much better. So we're climbing it one step at a time.
