There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
The realer something becomes in my waking world, the more it wreaks havoc in my dream state. And nothing has ever been so true as last night. As soon as my mind rested enough to dream, I visualized myself in a church (mind you, I'm not getting married in a church...) But I was in the balcony of the church getting ready and for some reason, I'd just gotten the news that all of my bridesmaids had bailed out except for Li'l Vic. She was still there trying to help me get stuff together. But I had no bridesmaids and plenty of dresses and groomsmen. So Vic suggested that she go and get some of the members of the guest party to come up and fill the spaces. With that, she runs downstairs to get the volunteers and I'm steadily still trying to get dressed and ready (by myself -- which is hella hard if you've ever dressed in a wedding dress or helped someone else). Finally Vic comes back up with about 8 of the guests who have offered to stand in, and immediately one starts a riot about the dresses I want them to wear, takes the bunch of women that Vic picked out and goes shopping with them for new dresses... *GASP* My wedding was to start at 11... and it was 11:30 now... there was another party coming in (because our time was almost exhausted and the rows were filling up with strangers who were there to hear a politician speak. He had one of those circus monkeys on his shoulder who was just running around and causing havoc. Eventually these women come back with these green and yellow dresses that had leg warmers *shudders*... so I totally Bride-Zilla'd on them and screamed at them and shoved them back into the room to change into what the fuck I told them to wear. Then the time keeper guy came up and basically told me that my time was up and my wedding was over. 11:50, he said. I pleaded with him to wait and still let us do our part, pleasssseee. He agreed and finally the girls came out with these ivory dresses (which also were NOT what I wanted them to wear, but at least it wasn't green and yellow with leg warmers). So the procession started... the maids and groomsmen made it down the aisle but just as my music was about to play, the politician started making his speech. His secret service men wouldn't let me through to walk down the aisle.
I was soooo frustrated that I woke up out of the dream and it took me a minute to calm down. In that minute, my baby called me. "Baby? I just had the worst dream," he explained. "You left me at the altar..." I said, "Yeah, cause the stupid politician wouldn't shut the fuck up!" He was confused, but I laughed. We sat there on the phone explaining each others dreams to one another and laughing and consoling. We were pretty shook up by it. But the realer something gets, the more afraid we are to lose it. But we're spending the day talking about the cocktail of feelings we're experiencing now that we've locked in the date and we're really racing towards this goal together. Neither of us have ever done this before... so looks like we've taken that leap.... hope we land somewhere secure.
