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There is a mental state
I strive to achieve
a homeostatic state
a humming
a lull
like those alpha wave
tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear
that in my head all day.
Instead of the
clanging of my
thoughts
and the
clashing of my
wants
versus
what I should do
need to do
and the sad,
bright violins
from "Sunshine"
so melancholy
so consistent
that remind me
how it is
not to have
anyone understand

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    Wednesday, May 18, 2005

      The True Measure of a Man (or Woman)

      The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of
      comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and
      controversy.
      -Martin Luther King, Jr.

      I always try to remember this quote whenever stuff is going wrong. It's easy to be happy go lucky when stuff is going good. It's simple to be positive in the face of happy times and simplicity. But where is your head when stuff is going wrong? How positive and confident are you in the face of the unknown? A consistent attitude is so necesssary. I lapsed yesterday. I try to smile in the face of adversity. I try to sing in the Valley. I heard that scripture once when I was in DC with my baby (and we were christening his Godson) and it changed my life. God asked us to sing when we are in the Valley. How opposite to what you feel like doing... Because you just want to cry and wallow in self pity and feel bad and hate everything. But He says sing. So after I spent my day feeling like crap. I started to sing. Stuff is starting to even out. It's hard. But EVERYTHING is temporary. Good times and Bad times... thankfully for the latter. So I think I'm coming into a good patch right now.

      Physically though, I'm totally under the weather. My body is rebelling because I've been treating it badly. So it's rightful that I should be fighting this back. I just hope I don't get full on sick. Cause I really want to be in good shape for Vernie's wedding. (at least health wise.... unfortunately I'm the branded "big girl bridesmaid" for her wedding. But hey... I wear that shit with class.)

      Fbomb

      I have to make a mental note that the word "fuck" followed by the word "you" pointed at my bestfriend Max has to not be used if I'd like her to continue to be my bestfriend. There are certain buzz words that tick us all off. Here is my list:

      dummy (for me... that's the WORST thing you can call someone... don't ask me why)
      should've / could've / would've - especially after a bad situation goes down. I HATE to do the hindsight is 20/20 crap. "Well you should've done this this way." My response: Suck my ass.
      c*nt - it's just a dirty word. And I usually LIKE dirty words... but that one is just unnecessary.
      bitch - if you don't really know me, i can't accept you calling me that. One of my coworkers tries to get over by calling me that. I had to put the kaibosh on that IMMEDIATE style.

      I guess that's it. But my mental note has been made. No more f-bombs. :) She's got 3 on me. I have to find a way to reverse that.

      *


    TD |10:54 AM |