There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm having a shittacious day. For many reasons that I cannot even begin to elaborate on. Most of them having to do with Money. Recitification... the issues with money pushed me down the slippery slope of shittaciousness today. Just when I think I have my finances under control and shit is paid off... And SHAZZZAAAAAAM... no bitch. The fuck u thinkin? You ain't caught up on SHIT. As a matter of fact... (this is circumstance speaking) lemme put your shit in the negative and let you dig out. Or hide from your checking account for the next week till you get paid. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I'm NOT happy. I just needed to not wake up today. Why'd I bother?
At this time in my shittacious blog, I'd like to give a shout to my friend Max. Who for the last few weeks I've been thinking of her and shaking my head thinking... That's my dawg for real. Not that this is a new discovery... but I realized I had been holding her at a bit of arms length for a while. And if something was happening, I'd not tell her or just keep it to myself for fear of dragging her down. But I find when I do tell her (if I can get past her starting with her own story in the middle of my explanation or if I can happen to keep her attention when she's at work (jokes))... she is super fantastically helpful. Just sitting on the phone with her and both of us working made me feel for a few moments, less shittacious. I ALMOST forgot why I felt so bad to begin with. So thank you to my Maxnificat for saving the day again!
My girl R has been holdin' it down for me too. Even though I'm annoyed at how much emotion she feels reading this blog. Like... I ruin her day and stuff. You can't be doing that anymore, R. Makes me curtail what I write... and I can't afford for my one sanity outlet to be abridged / censored. (((HUGS))) to you... but please don't let my shittaciousness ruin your day.
Oh well... going to go wallow in my own self pity some more.
