There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I am sitting here knowing there is sleep to be had and things to be done in the morning. But this almost foreign feeling of lonliness is taking center stage again. It's been a while since solitude has moved me to write. But here I am, feeling and hearing the vast white noise of my world right now. I think it has everythign to do with some recent rejections I endured the last few days. One by a friend who I was attempting to share something deep with and just played it off like it was all fun and games. The other was from my baby. Who every now and again manages to remind me why other men claimed to have left. I was smothering, they said. I clung too much. Too needy of their attention. He reminds me sometimes because he does this great squirm out of my grasp... likened to when that cat gets the white paint stripe on her back and Pepe Le Pew can't seem to take no for an answer. Makes me remember that the only way to stop doing that is to find something else to do. Unfortunately... finding other things to do makes me need to do for and with him less. And what path is that gonna put me on? So hard to strike a balance being a Libra. Everyone swears it means that we're so even keeled and able to find midgrounds easily. Maybe for other folks. We're wonderful at looking at a situation outside ourselves and evaluating both sides and coming up with logic. But for us personally, the scales mean either or. All the way one way... or all the way the other. No mid ground. And I guess that i can attribute this famine to the feast of the last few weeks.... always having someone around to talk to... always entrenching myself in something new.
I wonder if lonliness is hereditary. I hope I don't pass it to my kid. It sucks.
