There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Festering and boiling has never really been my thing. If I'm mad about something, I tend to let it be known - immediately. I figure all emotions should get treated the same way. If I was totally thrilled and excited about something someone did, I'd be so quick to tell them their heads would spin. Holding back my feelings from someone I care who does or says something to hurt me (whether purposeful or on accident) only does 2 things - 1) makes the negative feeling build up to the point where I just don't like the person anymore because of all the extra, unneccesary animosity I feel towards them OR 2) makes me forget exactly what it was they did to hurt me cause I'm so busy being guarded and angry and that makes me susceptible to them hurting me again the same way. Letting someone know that they hurt me and how is theraputic for me because not only do I log it in to my own emtional policing that something went wrong here and be on the look out for it elsewhere... but people are good at doing their own merit system. They tend to then kinda... clean up their act and not offend in the same way. However... some people are so entrenched in this system of hidden feelings and veiled contempt that no matter how easy going I might be or willing to listen without judgement, they continue on this kind of a path. At this point I can't even get angry at it anymore. It's just annoying to no end. Because then it's this stupid game that I have to play with folks. I have to meet them at their level so they can understand why I hate it so much.
It's not that I'm a stranger to it. I am the queen of dishing back the whole guarded emotions and "wait till i can get back at you with this later" stylee. I had to play it for so long and just got sick and fed up with it. But I can hang with the best of them. Unfortunately.
