There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This here is the reason I'll never lose any significant amounts of weight and be able to KEEP it off. Because I whole heartely enjoy good tasting things. And they whole heartedly would like to stick to my inner thighs and buttocks and gut for the rest of my days. *sigh* Anyhow, this was the snack that my brother and I went out to eat the day before last at Deborah's, our absolute favorite restaurant while we discussed my preoccupation with how to make my brother's life less miserable. I love my brother deeply. We've always been a unit. I can't ever truly say that I'm alone and mean it. As a matter of fact... I only RECENTLY imagined for a fleeting moment, life without Domi. Unfathomable. I was born, luckily, with the absolute best friend I'd ever have in the world having made way for me 4 years earlier. I realize it's not the standard case with most siblings and that fact makes our friendship even more valuable to me. However... much to my chagrin... my brother is absolutely miserable. He's terribly lonely, feels like his life is in a rut, can't get out of this dead end job... and the coup de grace... he is unwilling to do anything about it. Thus he's a floating cloud of pending hopelessness. And the haitian guilt monster trapped in my head has said, how can you go carving out your own happily ever after when your brother is lonely and miserable?? So I preoccupy my life with thoughts of how to make him happier. What path he could take to increase his luck, willingness to live, excitement about being here on the earth, making the best of this situation? And more futility: when I think I've found him the perfect path, I either have to manually walk it for him, or he pu pu's it and gives list upon list upon list of excuses why he "can't" do it. Frustrating as hell. I still want him to be happy though.
Today was meeting after meeting after meeting. Subject: Life with out K-dot and how it's been. Mostly everyone had the same kind of reaction to him leaving and wanting to know how I was feeling (maybe because they want to be sure that I wasn't drafting my resignation letter yet. Althought I'd like to be. All of the souls around me ascending (mj and kdot to name 2) and me stuck where I am seemingly for ever... not a happy feeling. Stagnation at it's worst.
It's really late, but I wanted to make some semblance of a post. I must do laundry tonight so that I can get on that plane in the morning. *yawn*
