There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I was sitting here updating my blog, surfing the web... and just relaxing. Enjoying a day of not HAVING to do anything (until later on when we would drive out to Noonan so we could watch Wrestlemania 21 on a big screen TV in Taz's parent's house). At one point, my baby and I started working on the sound track for our wedding cd. I read off to him songs that i've been saving on my playlist from Rhapsody for a while now that I'd like to use that day. He said, "I'd like to have a playlist saved too, just so we can track our thinking, is that cool?" I said sure. I figured he'd have some trouble thinking up of songs. Maaaaaan... the songs came out rapidfire... off the top of his head he named 10 songs. And when I finally realized that these were songs that reminded him of me or us... I had pressed play on "Yearning for Your Love" by the Gap Band. That song had always brought back memories of happy drives down highways in the summer on our way to parks or barbecues. Good happy memories. And now one more to add to it. That when my baby hears these songs... those same happy good feelings go through him as he thinks of me. I swear... I don't know if any man has expressed feeling love for me at hearing a song. And music means so much to me... I always try to express myself through it in an attempt to let people know how I feel. My words feel inadequate. Sometimes a baseline... a note held high... a violin... a piano scale... says what I'm feeling so much better. And here he was.... doing the exact same thing. I was overwhelmed. And started to cry. With a big ole smile on my face. These are reactions I'm so unused to. How do you cry from happiness? I've only done it twice in my life. When he proposed, and today. Whatever was clogging up my ability to feel has been cleared away. I love that we've been glancing at each other tonight from across the hotel room while he watches tv and I blog and just smile at each other... so innocent and flirtatious. And just being close to him makes me feel completely safe. I never worry for ANYTHING when he's around. Even when I tried to start a fight at Vegas Nights last night when some guy tried to violate me (story for later). I guess I mouthed off because I knew he would let NOTHING happen to me. (not like I was trying to get him into a fight or anything... but he undoubtedly had my back -- as did my girls from what Kristina told me... they had rallied around behind me as soon as they saw stuff poppin off... PROPERS to Max, Marie, Vernie, Denise, Kris and Tasha! Thanks for havin' my back). But I was thinking about how I'm not nervous to fly. Wasn't scared about dogs or bugs since I've been here. Wasn't fearing getting into an accident. Just no fear when he's around. I've not felt so safe since I was little.
