There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Me, Max and my baby went to a bridal "expo" tonight. It really wasn't an exposition of any kind. Just one company that pesters me INCESSANTLY. But they lured me and Max in with promises of free liquor (Wine and cheese reception). So we attended, hoping it would be something where many companies went to peddle their wares... but alas, it was just the one. They are a DJ / Photography / Videography set up. And really, I felt their stuff is mediocre. Being in the music industry (surrounded by djs); pioneered my own photography program and do my own video editing... it makes me a very tough customer to sell to. Nothing is good enough.
So we're sitting there as they're going through their presentation and they bring the DJs out. Max and I are sitting in our "much-too-classy-for-this-foolishness" stance as the djs make their rounds and start soliciting people to come to the dance floor. They start working on us and we do all but turn our noses up at them. When they come around the second time, the dj assigned to our section says directly to me, "You're getting married right?" and I responded, "Yes." "You could win something if you come up." Say no more I thought to myself. My baby and I need all the help we can get. So I didn't hesitate and stood up to go to the dance floor where I KNEW they'd have me do some foolishness. I scooted past Max who snickered at my demise and rebuffed further advances from the dj. I got to the dance floore, thinking about the kind of embarrassment I was about to partake in... when I looked to my right... and my baby was standing right next to me. "I wasn't going to let you do this alone," he murmered into my ear. Man, I tell you. It might have been SO small... but it was HUGE to me. Between him talking me down off my mental ledge yesterday (because I'd HAD IT... I was going to pack a bag and go sleep at the office). And offering to get my house back to working order this weekend and the talks in the car and at his house this weekend about my insecurities... Now this. Subjecting himself to utter folly like doing the dance for "Grease Lightening" (from the movie Grease)... to doing the cha-cha around the room to the YMCA song and the electric slide. He even beat on the fake little tambourine they gave him to the music. All the while through his teeth he'd say to me "If it wasn't for how much I love you... I wouldn't be doing this." I believe him. And questioned why I was freaking out this weekend.
At the end of it all we won nothing from the dj company. But ultimately, he and I are the winners of much bigger and better things.
