There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I really hope this takes this time. Because if it doesn't, I'm changing everything over. *sigh*
I'm sorry it's been a minute since I updated. I was running around and not getting in front of a computer and just generally being tired, or drunk or both. So now that I'm sober and awake, I can update
Family:
Okay... so his hand is broken. RIGHT. He walked around using it like there was nothing wrong and actually arguing with me and mom about it being swollen (mind you, it was TWICE The size that it should be normally in swelling). But NOTHING was wrong with it as far as he was concerned. The doctor looked at it and diagnosed it as being broken. Now he's in a funk. His hand is in a cast for 8 weeks and he's completely miserable and making everyone else around him feel that way. He hasn't really spoken to me yet, since I screamed on him about his complete self negligence (so odd from someone who is normally self absorbed.) So he's just been completely introverted. And I'm okay with that. I've been detached myself from my home situation. I'm in, I say hello, do whatever chores or services I'm there to render, I close my door and disappear. They have no desire to really know what's going on in my life right now, and they're basically sucking away my desire to live my own 30 year young life. So I have to disassociate soon, before I end up in the grave with them. I know... it's bleak... but I'm being honest with myself about this situation.
Friends:
I reunited with a dear friend this week. I had let our friendship alone because I needed to take it from another angle. I wasn't allowing myself to be the best friend that I COULD be. Every relationship is different and you kind of have to be a different person to each friend in order for it to take flight. I'm not saying, change your personality... but I'm the kind of friend that needs to talk to you everyday, see you every other week at least... be a part of your life... know that you can be comfortable calling me at 3 AM if you had something on your mind... one of the first people you want to think of when you want to do something fun or need to cry on a shoulder. I'm one of those true blue friends and loyal to a fault. But I have friends that AREN'T like that. Like, Sug - she's more of a wanderer. It's her nature. She has 4 or 5 cliques of friends that she butterflies amongst. When bored with one, she just flits over to the next. It's funny; at her birthday gatherings each clique sits in it's corner thinking they're her best friends. Max and I just stand aside and laugh KNOWING we're the true article. So here's to the reinitiation of this frienship. I pray I'll stay on course and be whoever I need to be to make it work.
More in a few... leaving the office (yeah, on a Sunday... I know)
