There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
My policy in life has always been, "Quit, don't get fired." It applies to everything. Work, life, love; any situation that carries potential heartache or head ache. Some how it alleviates things if you are the one who walks away from the train wreck rather than allowing it to happen and you suffer irreparable casualty. That being said, I have a big decision to make.
Everyone is swearing that T is going to disappear off the face of the earth. Now... and even moreso when she starts dropping kids for this man. And that she will squirm her way out of everyone's wedding (attending or being an attendant). I don't even want her to fix her face (or not) to get out of mine. I'm more than willing at this point to just not ask her. But those same people are telling me... "Give her a chance and see what she does..." Oh okay. Give her a chance to FURTHER break my heart? I think not. I am going to observe. If she makes it to Vern's wedding... and maybe even Chanda's then I'll keep her in there. But if she's a no show, that bridesmaid invite will simply not make it to her door. I can't deal with this anymore. It's too taxing for my soul. And I want all thoughts of my wedding to be positive at this point. I can't afford one negative one; not after witnessing what I did this weekend.
I guess I have a lot to think about today.
*sigh*
7 train is on the fritz again. I guess I'll go up there and see what's happening...
