There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
We oft-times surround ourselves with folks who are much like members of our family in a lot of ways. In the good and in the bad. Back before I learned that I was better than a lot of the crap I used to consort with, I'd associate with PLENTY of promise breakers. Folks who would offer me the world on a silver plated platter... anything I could want and more; doll it up with flowery words and EVERYTHING that I would want to hear them say. Then come delivery time... I get the shaft. And not even in a good way. Just the short end of the stick. Then they do the jack move where they pretend they didn't just disrespect me by lying and fabricating promises to me. Who in my life was like that that I would accidentally gravitate towards such folks???
I nailed it yesterday: Dad.
The perpetual promise breaker. He did it again yesterday. He went to church on Sunday and I guess at some point he fell. I didn't get the details because it was just so wrapped in emotion. The whole... "Oh my gosh... look at your dad... he fell" with the under tones of "Pity him; have sympathy for how old he is and how he's dying" (this is typical Haitian guilt-trip fare so that I feel unable to say "no" to anything they ask for). Anyway... He fell. And must've busted up his hand. So now... it's twice the size it is supposed to be. AND on the hand that has the infected finger that refuses to heal (he's diabetic... injuries are a TOTAL red flag). Okay... so you fell... you hand is swollen... what's the next logical course of action? RIGHT - go to the effin doctor. I get home Monday and he's in the middle of a dramatic fit with Domi about how he doesn't need to go. This upset me but I try not to show brash emotion to them anymore because then they pull me aside and tell me "not to worry... that they're fine" - after they went through the whole shebang with me about how they're decrepit. So I moped a little around the house and Dad came to me later and said "What's wrong, you look so sad?" I told him it's because he refuses to go to the Dr. I told him I NEEDED him to promise me that he'd go the next day (which was yesterday). He promised me.
Come home yesterday early from work (already in a tizzy about my parents being old and sick, cause I had to go look for a walker for my mom). I get there and my dad is out. I ask my mom if he went to the Dr. She waved me off like it wasn't important. So now I'm more pissed, because it means he DIDN'T go. So when he comes home... I took him to task for it... just like a parent would to a little child. "Where's my kiss" he said. "Look, did you go to the dr?" I bypassed his question. "No... I slept all day. Hey... you didn't give me my kiss!!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? So I started yelling. "I refuse to give you anything that resembles a kiss if you're not going to keep your promises to me. I can't keep worrying myself into a coma and you're doing whatever you want about your health. If that's the case then stop making me worry and don't ever tell me about another thing that's wrong with you from now until the end of time!!!!!!!!!" And I stomped away. I meant every word. It's not normal for me to be this knotted up about their state because they won't even TRY to take care of themselves.
So at the height of me getting ready to pull my hair out, my baby comes to save me. Gets on the phone with me and talks me down off my mental ledge. Tells me how he's going to come in and help me clean the house at the end of the month so my parents can stop wallowing in their own muck. Difference is here... he'll keep his word. Sometimes, despite my protest.
I'm glad that I'm associating differently now. Quality people only.
