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define. me?

There is a mental state
I strive to achieve
a homeostatic state
a humming
a lull
like those alpha wave
tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear
that in my head all day.
Instead of the
clanging of my
thoughts
and the
clashing of my
wants
versus
what I should do
need to do
and the sad,
bright violins
from "Sunshine"
so melancholy
so consistent
that remind me
how it is
not to have
anyone understand

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    Thursday, April 21, 2005

      Lost Poetry

      I've been clearing off my computer at work, for obvious reasons. And I stumbled across some poetry that i jotted down in notepad so that i wouldn't lose the thoughts. I liked some of them, so i'll post. I have no real dates and times when they were written, so i'll note them with the date of when I found them. Lots of questions. Not half as many answers, it seems.

      how do i?

      how do I reposess the time
      how do I close my eyes and find
      the passage to you when it doesn't exist.
      how can I decide to die another death
      when true living i only experience
      in your other life
      the one that no one sees
      but one second in that world
      purer and more precious than
      those of this.
      The wound i played in
      one part pleasure and 2 parts agony
      has gangreened and remits no sensation
      making me believe that
      i am this two dimensional
      fictional
      unidirectional character
      divised for your pleasure
      and my own demise.
      how find myself grasping for
      the gateway
      the progression back to your heart
      but it exists not
      and neither do i.

      10/23/2003 5:21PM


      How Do You Know...
      ... when you're falling out of love? are there signs? Or does it just hit you one day... like a stack of bricks to the temple...? How long do you wait to really be sure that it's "out-of-love"-ness... and not just a bad day? How do you determine if the nerve endings are just sleeping and not dead... and that's why you don't TINGLE anymore when he touches you? How do you figure the difference between "love" and "newness"... the flutters of inexperience versus the butterfly wings of destiny? When and where do you find that line in the sand and cross over from lust to dedication? What are the measures of the wealth of the heart; Its units and degrees? How does one use these to calibrate their minds in preparedness for love? And more importantly... how does one know when this process is necessary? or not?

      4/29/2002 7:18PM



      more later...
      *

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