There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I went back to sleep, fairly easily, only to find myself in a the next disturbing dream.
We were in our house. Apparantly married now. BEAUTIFUL HOUSE. Everything I ever dreamed of. Full of light and lovingly designed. Old house with family history. Spacious and billowy. At least 3 floors and just gorgeous. And he and I are fighting. Knock down drag out style yelling at each other. About what? I don't know. But just angry words flying between us. Culminating with him telling me, "Well why don't you go the fuck upstairs then and get outta my face????!!!!"
A little background. Me and my baby DON'T yell at each other. The one time we did was November 17, 2001 and we broke up for 16 hours and it was the WORST time of my life. But in that convo all sorts of expletives flew (mostly from my mouth). He was calm and collected and just basically said, "I don't have to stand for any of this. I'm out. Go find someone else to treat like this." Really... CALM style. I think that was what as most frightening of it all. That's why he and I just don't yell. I was used to going head to head, ram style, with my ex's. One ex used to OPENLY smile when I fed into the anger he was giving me. Like..."yeah... now I've got you." They enjoyed drama a LOT. Luckily, my baby does not. And I've since given up that part of me that enjoys fighting. Life is easier lived that way. I mean, we disagree... but it's never to the point where we yell... and the only time we get animated is when there's serious misunderstanding.
So the yelling on his part... totally not in his character. I woke up completely frazzled. Why was I having all these dreams? He felt my discomfort and woke up. "What is happening to you over there? Talk to me." I told him about both dreams. And he held me and said, "Are you having some insecurities about marrying me?" I told him no... we talked at length. He basically said he wouldn't have put himself through the physical and financial strain of getting the ring if he wasn't serious about getting married and staying that way. He only wants to marry once... and then it's for ever... and it's with me. He held me and we talked some more and I felt better. He always manages to do that. So until I have my next bout of crazy dreams, I'm okay.
Getting ready to go and look at more houses today. Will have pictures :-D
