There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
What does a lion tamer bring into the cage with him? A whip, a chair and a tranquilizer gun. Why the chair? Because when you hold up the chair, the lion tries to see and focus on all four legs at the same time, and that paralyzes the lion because he can't focus.
The universe is a lion tamer and I'm the lioness, trapped in the cage, trying to take it all in. Life is giving me a serious run for my money as of late. We know the leg of family is one focus and the wrongs with that. The leg of work gets progressively worse. The leg of my love and future is starting down a new path that I wasn't expecting. Something might be seriously wrong with my baby. I pray that he's okay and not what he thinks it might be. He has a dr's appointment today that I was supposed to skip work to go and try to be with him in case he gets bad news. But of course... the worsening of my work situation made it impossible for me to leave. One day I'll be able to explain it all. But right now, my prayers are steadfast. There aren't many choices for me to pray for. Just that he's okay and whatever it is... that we make it through. Then of course the much neglected leg of self. So neglected... I can't even list what's wrong. and just the attempt to try to focus on it all, removes the focus from other 3. And I am paralyzed. Just waiting for something to happen. I hear the bellow of the wind over the horizon. It's coming... I can see it. I just hope I'm ready.
I did NOT want to wake up this morning. For once, my bed was feeling so good to me. The warmth of the sheets against my skin... the quiet hum of my fan. It was perfect. I might have still been in it to now if it was possible. And that's so unlike me.
But here I am. fighting the good fight. Every day promises to be a good one. And I guess if you are bold enough to live through it... it is.
