There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I had an interesting convo with my dad last night before I went to sleep. It went like this:
Daddy: Here is the phone, Kiki... I'm going to sleep. Me: Okay daddy, rest well. See you tomorrow, God willing Daddy: Aren't you going to sleep soon? Me: Me? I can't sleep really anymore. Daddy: What are you up doing? Me: Working, really. Daddy: Do you like your job? Me: Not really. Daddy: Well, you have to, don't you? Me: I hope not. I'm hoping to get out. Daddy: Good luck with that, Kiki. Me: Thanks... Pray for me. I know that you already do. Daddy: Every day. I love you. Good night.
What's significant about that conversation? First unsolicited, unforced "I love you" from my dad to me. Here I am at 30 marveling at that for the first time. I guess no matter how old you get... it can't ever NOT feel fantastic. No matter what, that's my daddy. And I'm most definitely his little girl. I remember him sitting at the piano playing the Wedding march and I would walk-step-together from the hallway by my room into the living room and we'd sit on the piano bench and day dream about the day that he'd walk me down the aisle. Closer today to that dream than ever. I just hope to not run out of time.
My baby, my brother, My sis, Tamara (our wedding planner) and I drove out to the watermill today to look at the place while they had a bridal expo. It was pretty cool. Of course, seeing it the second time brought up more doubts in my mind, but the food was off the chain. And I saw a LOT of floral arrangements that I really liked. I'll post pics shortly.
Other than that, today was pretty quiet. Nothing super duper spectacular happening aside from breathing, blinking, moving and living, which in and of itself - pretty darned amazing. I referred to my baby as "my husband" to a total stranger. I smiled when the censor that used to slam down on my thought didn't have to. "It's okay to call him that... He's GOING to be!!!" My heart leapt. It was an excellent feeling. He turned to me so many times tonight with this excited grin on his face and said, "Baby... we're getting married!!" *sigh* I must have done something really amazing to deserve this. I hope I remember times like this when he's driving me insane!!! *giggle*
I might turn in early tonight. No need to torture myself with silence.
