There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I spent all day dreaming of the past; wandering through sections of my mind that had been closed for renovations. I checked in on the process. And, as with all contractors, progress is slow, but steady. Of course all that is required is the right amount of will and all things should go as scheduled. If I could just stick to gameplans better, I'd probably be a more stable, well adjusted human being. "It's the excitement of the danger," Lina said sighing into the phone as she interrogated me about my feelings for my baby. "I can't be with a stable guy. Lou is great and he's stable and he's dependable and he's BORING." I did a mental glance back to my same self sitting at this computer a few years ago... typing about the joys of drama. We LOVE it. It's exciting. It feels necessary to our full experience of life. "Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration as he realized that at last, something was happening to him." Seems that we are able to best feel alive through the possibility of pain. But... we out grow that in time.
I looked back on my previous relationships and my patterns in life, in general. Today Jean called me back and I thought about my post from earlier. Was I still gonna go through with it? Is he now persona non grata? How have I progressed through these relationships. I never stay long in the most painful ones. I learned to stop torturing myself after Lui. There's NEVER a need to stay hurt all the time. But... like all my mechanisms... I cringe at the first sight of prolonged pain and I remove myself from the situation. I play the scenario out in my head and WHILE I STILL HAVE A CHOICE... I run. I do the same thing on the train. If the car pulls in and it's empty while all others are packed... I look for the reason. once found, I'm on the next car. Some people stay an eternity in bad situations. I don't have an eternity to spare. I only need a taste of hurt to know that I'll remember it forever.
Predictability and stability, on the other hand don't yield pain, per se. More... boredom. Which isn't painful or life threatening... and you can ALWAYS do something about it. Or do something else. But how amazing is it, when that which we thought was predictable suddenly up and becomes exciting? I'm learning things about this man that I'm going to marry that you'd've thought I knew by now. And he's ever changing. Everyone is. If you give them a chance, they'll become something new and different. Whether or not you like it remains to be seen. But I like what I'm seeing.
It's late... and I have to pack tomorrow. I've set up some things in ATL that should be fun to do in lieu of the pre-existing fun that SHOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN SET UP *gets red in the face* But I'll see some old friends and that, in and of itself, will be good.
