There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
When I was in college and I was seeing the school psychologist (whom i LOVED! Wherever you are Dr. VanHarte... I hope you're safe... more on that in another post), she advised me to start spending more time alone. One exercise she had me do was life altering. And it was so simple, but the idea of it shook me to the core. I was petrified. She told me to go sit somewhere quiet, by myself... and let my mind start just... thinking. Don't STOP any of the thoughts. Let them go through and examine what your telling yourself. It's one thing to say out loud for everyone to hear certain things about yourself. What counts is what you're programming yourself with in your own head.
I remember sitting there in the 7th floor lounge on a break or a weekend (whatever it was, everyone was gone and the lounge was quiet) staring out the window looking at the traffic on the ramp to the Brooklyn Bridge... listening to the quiet messages I'd been passing myself. "This is stupid. Why are you doing this? Cause you're a dumbass, that's why. Why are you the only one of your friends that needs therapy anyway? Because you're fucked up and it's your fault. You can't seem to get anything right, can you? Why bother? Why should you even try anymore? Just give up. Become the heaping pile of shit that you know you are. Don't strive, cause you'll just fail. That's your pattern. You're mediocre. You'll always be that way. This, just like you, is a waste of time...." And it went on and on and on and on. After sitting there quietly for an hour, I couldn't BELIEVE what i was hearing in my own head. I tried to hear whose voice it was. Wasn't my own. It was a male voice, but to this day I can't pin point who it was. And it doesn't matter anymore. From that day forward, I had many a quiet conversation with that voice. And the less I became afraid of hearing it... the more I took over what was being said.
The silence in my head for the last few days has been good. It's definitely me talking. Re-emphasizing that I deserve peace and happiness. That the future for my life is bright provided that I hold myself in high esteem and follow a path that is healthy for my heart and mind. Mistakes are made, but I can walk away from them and learn from them. That I'm human and human nature is to constantly re-invent. I'm happy to hear myself. It's just been quiet outside my head. But I've gotten a LOT of work done. I'm very focused and calm and it feels really good.
I've been in touch with a few ex's between last week and this week. And it's not been bad. Cas has been chatting with me on IM for a few days. He seems to be in a better place these days and that's good. He has a new baby boy that he's raising with his wife. Cary called and we chatted. He's buying a home. Jean is moving to Boston to get married and start a new job. Everyone has moved in a beautifully positive direction. My prayers keep going out to them.
I've got to get refocused on the planning of my future. I can't wait for that to start *smile*
