There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Oh yeah... it's Easter. It's such a shame I put it that way. But that's really how it was for me this morning. An after thought. I have to find out if I'll ever be "religious" again. I'm tremendously spiritual, but not to the point where I feel obligated to spending 3 hours walking in circles around the church re-enacting the way of the cross. But I do miss the community connection though. I wonder how different that would be for me now that I'm so keen to the hypocrisy... It stops me from enjoying anything purely anymore. I always think folks are up to something *sigh* I have trust issues.
Speaking of those, I had a long talk with my baby tonight. We unearthed a lot of things I'd been keeping from him as far as my feelings about him and the upcoming wedding and just everything that was on my mind. I find it astounding how understanding and patient that man is. It's absolutely amazing. I remember praying for that quality in my husband. One day I was waiting for a bus to get going to take me and my chapter to a regional conference out in Atlantic City. The bus was delayed for an hour and a half. One soror's husband waited outside the bus in his car for the bus to depart. I happened to be sitting next to her. She said, when I asked why he was waiting, "He has the patience of Job... I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I love him for it... because I'm not like him." This couple had to be married for 40 some odd years. And I closed my eyes and prayed my addendum to the list... "That too God... cause I HATE waiting. But I'll wait for him to be ready for me." And here he is. Patiently waiting for me to grow the fuck up. LMAO! He's a saint. Truly. What did i do to deserve this? Because I'm told over and over again, that I do deserve him. Maybe one day I'll understand.
Today, for me, symbolizes me being able to drink again and not feel bad about it WOO HOO!!! Lent is OVA!!! I had an "alcoholic" beverage at dinner with my baby tonight, but it was so NOT. More like a milkshake. And that was the one I got AFTER I sent back the margarita that was so watery and yuck that I couldn't believe. I'll have to make some kind of retribution for that this week. Maybe tomorrow if money permits. I'll go get a little lifted. I would have had a little Vanilia tonight, but there's too much going on in the bottle. Spirits within. So I'll let it be. I think I can go 41 days *wink*. Today also means my baby goes back to yogurt. I hope he doesn't hurt himself. I can just see him diving into a vat of it! LMAO! Ahh... the repercussions though... he's not ready for them. I was just trying to help him anyways.
I marveled at my own body today. Just on some randomness... I was clearing off my bed... and I put my hands on my thighs and was just impressed with the thickness. I am the bomb :) My cousin commented that I'm visibly losing weight now. That's so good to know, but I don't think he's ever seen me in a baby tee and some short shorts... All my clothing is billowy and concealing. So of course I look thinner. But I'll take the compliment anyhow.
1:22... and I'm STILL not done with this ding danged directory. I'm exhausted. I'll go for a little longer and then I'll cave in.
