There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So today, I had my first real, bonafide case of cold feet. Going over contract talks with our acting attorney I started to realize the finality of things. And how with marriage, there is no turning back without SERIOUS repercussion. She was explaining to me the clauses in the contract with the reception hall and how if we breach contract, they get to keep all this money that we invest and don't have to give it back. At this point I got all nervous... like... what if we change our minds? What if something happens? What if? What if? Then I started to rationalize away why we should "wait" and not get the location yet.
I'm blessed to have Dacia who talked with me and really walked me through it. Who would have known that advice like hers... or just presence... was sitting there just waiting for me. I immed her on some "hi... how ya doin?" and she said "what's wrong?" like she knew. I didn't feel like putting on airs and I told her exactly what I was feeling. She just laid it out logically how I'm only getting the shakes because I never had anyone like Earl. And being with someone of that calibur is never by luck. It's completely by merit. I deserve him. I prayed for him and God made him for me. And he loves me. And no changing of minds will happen here. We are it :) Her words were so comforting. I have to recognize angels when they come by and that was definitely a visit I appreciate.
So we're going full blast. Max told me there would be a million of these. I just gotta brace.
