There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Maybe my body is going through one of those crazy cycles. I attempt to stay awake until I feel tired... but I never feel tired. Used to be that when I was smoking, I'd set my own time because I knew that something was going to relax me enough for me to fall asleep. I could drink every night before I go to sleep... but I risk being naseous in the morning and being unable to function. I used to be able to talk to people into the wee hours of the night, but that seems to be more of an exercise in staying awake. Talking to certain people would get me sleepy, just on the nature of our conversations. But I've noticed those people don't stay awake anymore so that outlet is gone (or at least... not consistent). There's nothing that is good for me that knocks me out. And the one thing that IS good for me that knocks me out... I can't really get the way I'd like every night... and self serving is becoming really old and takes even longer... so I stay awake longer trying to get to sleep. So I'm stuck. But when I don't sleep... I'm zombified in the morning. I can't get a straight thought out. W says I should work out... and he's right. But it ENERGIZES me. So I'd be awake LONGER.
Maybe I wasn't meant to sleep. I remember loving sleep so much. I wonder what happened. I guess I'll attempt to get some... or at least... feign it. I feel like I'm spoiled on everything. And nothing works.
