Right Now I'm...

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Big and Beautiful

Tonight I surprised my baby with tickets to see Jill Scott in concert. I've been planning this since January and couldn't wait for the nostalgia of the remake of our first date. October 10, 2000, I got tickets for he and I to see Jill Scott open for Common (how long ago was that?)at the Hammerstein. It was standing room only and he and I were "just friends". Not even friends with benefits yet. He had introduced me to Jill and this was my way of repaying him. We had a good time. After the concert, I'd hoped that he'd want to hang out, maybe go for some dinner... maybe go somewhere where he would want to make a move on me (even though the whole night, there was absolutely NO physical contact whatsoever). I ended up putting myself in a cab and he got on the train to go home. Kiss on the cheek and that was it. Our first "date" :)

Today was drastically different. Although I'd been planning forever, all plans fell through. I had to make the bridge between the land of the living and the land of the dead today. We went to pay our respects to my dear Soror who passed away on Sunday. She was stylishly dressed in a pink blouse, pink blazer and blue jeans. Chic... just like I always remembered her. Her hair was cropped short and natural. It looks like maybe it may have fallen out from the treatments, but she was rocking it. She looked at peace... But the image of her laying there was too much for me. I couldn't even approach the casket to say goodbye. I didn't want to say it at all. I sat and talked with Sorors for a little while, and when I realized that no ritual would be had, we made our way onto the bridge.

Got in the car, changed out of my whites, back into my civilian clothes and we headed up to Radio City. The show was supposed to start at 8... but we left the wake at 8 hoping that Common's set would be about an hour and Jill would get on stage about 9 ish. He had no clue till we turned into Radio City and saw the mural with her name on it and heard her belting "Love Rains" through the doors. He thanked me and we sat down. She was so beautiful. Just sparkling in a white sequined tunic and curled hair. Singing us her heart. I was loving every minute and clapping and singing along and yelping and enjoying myself. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my baby nodding of a little. He was tired. It never fails that I drag him out to something like this and he's tired. She started singing, "I Need You" which is a song that moves me to no end. I realize that no matter how powerful I get or how high I climb any social or economic ladder or how many people may answer to me... I'll always need my baby. There will always be that part of me that yearns for his attention, affection and acceptance. And out of nowhere (again)... i start tearing up. Of course my baby starts asking me what's wrong... and I attempt to conceal but big, heavy, hot tears were rolling down my face before I could seal the dam. I was dealing with so many emotions I wouldn't let myself feel... that now that I was feeling anything... it was all coming out. My soror passed and I con't understand it. I thought I did a good thing by bringing my baby to this concert, but he's nodding off. I've had my first bout with cold feet and that's so frightening. I can't wrap my mind around this horrid waiting feeling I have in relation to my parents being sick and praying that they'll be here to see me celebrate my wedding. I really miss Sug as far off as she is. And a plethora of other things I've been feeling. Every tear was heavy with failed restraint. But it felt good. Every track felt like a release etched on my cheeks.

Regardless of all else that happened, I feel a little lighter and a little better. I thoroughly enjoyed Jill's performance and how uplifting and real it was. I fear it's probably the last concert my baby and I will "enjoy" together, but we'll learn to enjoy other things.

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