There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sometimes it is pretty tough to pan back from a situation and see all aspects objectively. It's much harder to do when you have to do it in a split second... and when it's a topic or situation that you are envelopped in; a situation where you quietly placed a self investment in the ring to see how it would play out. But the presentation of a problem shows you that no one really noticed that your thoughts or feelings were there. At least the lack of notice allows you to just as quietly withdraw your heart as well and retreat to lick your own wounds. Good thing I have the super powerful armor of psychological training. How to be a super-friend in ANY situation. Like... talking to your sister about a future husband that you TOTALLY disagree with her marrying... but you go and smile as she takes her vows and pray quietly that she doesn't end up hurting herself if it goes all wrong. Like... giving sound advice to an ex that all but destroyed your self esteem and image about his new girlfriend and how he can treat her better. Like... telling your sweet love to take on responsibilites that will undoubtedly leave you alone more than you care to be... but as a show of support for the things he loves... you encourage and uplift. It's scary that sometimes your own feelings have to take a backseat to everyone elses. I find mine have a permanent babyseat strapped in the trunk for most folks. It's hardest when you really have no where to really exhale. No one to truly dump on who will understand or sympathize... or even just listen. It's interesting because I look at these situations around me and I stare into a cavernous result that looks like what my mom is living now. I don't know if I could really deal with ending up that way. Actually... nothing scares me more. I actually WANT folks to take my feelings into account as much as I consider theirs. But maybe I do it too much. Maybe I live my life too much for others than I do for myself. How do I stop doing that? How do I make my feelings relevant in a world that is so focused on self? Or maybe I'm right in line with everyone... wanting everyone to look at and pay attention to me instead of themeselves.
Maybe I had this discussion with myself already and ended up at the conclusion to focus on others already just so I'm not in line with the rest of "society". Sucks to be me.
I'm surprisingly calm and unaffected about going back into the office tomorrow. Usually I'm frazzled. But I guess I'm so numb right now. God... I really hope I don't start smoking again. I feel it coming on...
