There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's funny. I've been observing lately what I say versus what I feel. It's amazing how much of what I say is shrouded in code and not honestly what I mean. I realized it one day because I was IMming someone and I typed in "lol" -- with a straight face and no semblance of any kind of laughter coming out. So why did I type it? It seemed appropriate. It fit in right there; it notified my conversational partner that i was amused by the last statement they made. But I wasn't really laughing out loud. So I've taken some time to decode a few things in my own head. I figured I'd provide the decoder for those interested in it:
Question: How are you doing? Answer: I'm okay OR everything is everything Translation: I'm lonely mostly. Probably feeling it now. But I'm maintaining.
Q: How are your parents doing? A: They're okay OR They're getting old. T: They're doing worse every day and it's astonishing how far down the health is spiraling downwards, but it's a part of life and I guess I have to get used to it.
Q: How's work? A: It's working me. T: I'm in the seventh circle of hell but if I want to afford this house and wedding I'm attempting to pay for, I have to keep showing up. But they are slowly and successfully chipping away at my self esteem as well as my desire to stay in the workforce.
Q: How's the wedding planning? A: It's coming along slowly but surely T: I'm slowly being introduced to the frustrations that make the beginnings of any bridezilla that ever existed and more and more, the veil that covers the otherwise happy marriages is becoming more and more transparent -- and that maybe there is no such thing as a "happy" marriage... but sturdy, contented and lasting are the words we should look towards more than "happy".
Statement: Alright. I'm leaving. A: Kewl. T: I probably really don't want you to go because it will leave me alone... again.
