There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
i was having a conversation with my brother the other day about the make up of the soul and what it does... how it serves a function for us all. i wonder a lot if it's predetermined. i have a strong sense of belief in reincarnation. i do think that we've been here (not necessarily here on earth) before and we'll come back again one day as someone or something else to try it out from a different perspective. the thing i wonder about the soul is... is the personality embodied? will my soul be this same kind of person when i come back as someone else. (if i come back as a person at all?) will i be just as philanthropic and sensitive and aware of others as i am in this shell... or might i be a little less caring? a little braver?
quick aside... i remember watching the secrets of the yaya sisterhood (i know...i was stuck on a bus i had no choice) and in one scene, the mother says to her daughter "i used to pray to God to make me stronger, smarter, wittier, more beautiful, more resilient... better. and he did... he gave me you" (i'm paraphrasing of course -- and was the ONLY line of the movie to make me really think) but maybe that's how my soul comes back differently. but then we get into this whole layers of existence thing where...the soul that is borne in my child is someone elses recycled soul... etc etc... off of the point.
if i had any say in the matter, which i know i won't (or i might have, if in living this life there were determinants of who i'll become) i'd like to be a little braver; a lot more resilient; just as caring - but less gullible; a little quicker with my mind; a bit wiser with my time. i think those things will make for a better spirit and a well lived life. i wonder if my soul has a name...
of all days to look at my ring, i caught a glimpse of it while toiling away today. it's simply brilliant. i've never really seen anything like it (but then again, i never owned anything like it to be able to gaze on it that long). but i just stare into it and wonder all sorts of things. like... probably in another galaxy, it's like... worth nothing to them. just a rock. maybe diamonds are their gravel and they put pieces of salt in their jewelry... maybe they put more value in the unseen than the tangible. but i'm living here on earth; now in 2005. and this is very beautiful. and precious to me if it's not to anyone else. never mind the fact that it's the single most expensive thing i've ever owned (not including my education - again with the intangible worth). it's symbolism alone weighs more than any gold.
