There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Ever see something from really far away and it was so beautiful and intriguing and demanding of your attention that it drew you closer and closer so you could get a better look at it? So you could understand the beauty of it a little more intimately. But... you get right up on it... and it's not as beautiful as you thought? And, as a matter of fact, as you study it... you realize... it's pretty darned ugly and a little repugnant? And you feel a disapointed because 1) you really were hoping to get to know something truly beautiful; 2) you were tricked into believing one thing... when indeed, something else was afoot. Ever have that beautiful thing be a person? Just a generally interesting person from that safe distance of unfamiliarity. Generally good hearted, law abiding, god fearing, trying to do right kind of person. But as you board the tram towards the center of that person's personality and breach their outer defenses and they reveal more and more who they truly are and what they're really thinking... the ride goes from being bright and sunny with pretty ambient music...to being a little dark and dank... gloomy... and sometimes... borderline frightening. Maybe even to the point where you want to say "Okay... I want off now, please... I don't like this ride anymore. This isn't what I'd expected." But in real life, you can't in all consciousness say to someone, "This has been fun, but you're not the person I thought you were... so... okay... nice knowing you." So how do you handle that? How do you deal with those feelings that are begging you to step back? That want for you to push away from that person indefinitely: until you can handle what they were attempting to show you or you honestly aren't affected by what their inner someone is.
