There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I wish I could set this year off with a super optimistic, wonderfully bright message. But I've promised to be as real as I can be... when I can be. And for starters, 2005 seems awefully lonely to me. It's something I think I inherited from my mom and grandma. No matter the situation, or how surrounded by folks I may be... the lonliness reigns supreme. More and more now, I find myself going to sleep so that I can escape having to feel lonley in my waking life. I rarely remember feeling lonliness in my dreams or nightmares. I guess it's par for being who I am to just deal with this always. I guess I'm just scared about a lot of things that I'm really not discussing with anyone and the fears are building. I'm facing a lot of impending change that I thought I'd be prepared for at the ripe age of 30... but it looks like maybe I'm not. The fact of the matter is... I dislike change a lot. It makes me uncomfortable and sometimes scared.
On a train platform on Thursday, I hugged Vernie for a long time before letting her get on her arriving train. We said our usual good byes and call me when you get home and such. But this time was different. I knew that Monday, she'd be driving down to Florida to move and live there. And I was stoic about it on that platform. But today, over pancakes, I asked my baby if on Sunday (tomorrow) we could make plans to stop by Vernie's house. And he said sure, why what's up? She's leaving monday. And no sooner did I say the words, tears just started to well up. She's not dying. And Florida is still in the US. And she'll be coming up all the time. So what's with the waterworks? Distance breeds forgetfulness and unfamiliarity. Our lives, although not completely entwined... will get more distant. I talk to Teresa twice a year. And I think the last time Bertie and I spoke was 2 or 3 years ago... and she was my closest LS. Distances like these are like... a mini death to me. I don't know why. It's so easy for me to say... "meet me on 14th street" or "let's go to dinner"... and although I don't say it every day... I love having the option of being that close. I despise the way I behaved when Sug was overseas. These defense mechs. are in tight.
*sigh*
So I'm going to try to see her tomorrow. I hope she's available :)
I guess I'll get some sleep now. I'll post the pictures from Max's New Years Shindig in the morning :)
