There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
We do take a lot of things for granted in life. Things that other people would kill to have... we have at our disposal and don't have much regard for. Tonight, my baby called me and told me that an associate of his committed suicide last night. He was 82. How do you get to that age... and then decide you want to end it all??? That's completely irrational to me. And then I couldn't help but get a little upset. Grandma died at 82. What she would have given to have THE CHOICE. And he was virile... moving about and had a family around him... What a perfect waste. I was disheartened when he told me and just very sad. I'll never know what was going through his mind that made him think it would be okay for his wife to find him hanging from the ceiling later on that day. I can only assume it had to be big enough to cloud all his judgement in that moment. Either way... I pray for God to have mercy on his soul.
I've been becoming quietly aware of how long it's been since I had a cigarette. I guess as the nights drag on and I can't seem to get to bed, I keep thinking they would help. But I'm trying very hard to stand without them. *sigh* I keep trying to remember the day we went to Kev's birthday party at a cigar bar... and how I've been sick ever since. And that deters me from having any desire to buy a whole pack. Got a prayer going up for a little more willpower. It would suck really bad to fall from here.
