There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
My mind, in an attempt to deal with the various things going on in my life, has created layers of reality for me to live in. Some things are in layers closer to the percieved reality of the world. Others are in this peripherial layer that exists more in my mind than in the world. As a result... I'm pretty confused about what to believe. I stare at somethings and try to figure out what layer they belong in. This ring is unreal. I've stared at it till I know it's every shape and curve and glint and imperfection. If I ever had to pick it out of a line up...I would NEVER be mistaken as to which one was mine. But it fits in so many realms of reality for me... symbolically what it means... literally what it's worth... what it is the harbinger of... I'm still trying to grasp all that it means. You would think I've been waiting all my life for this to happen to me just this way. I would have been totally ready to accept it when it go here. Funny how life is.
My feelings are unreal. It's amazing how they have an entire evolution process of their own... and all I can do is observe what they're doing and open myself to feeling them. It's so scary because i see them evolving in directions for things that I'd rather not feel anything for. But those feelings develop and subject me to the consequences. How much of their evolution is my own doing? How much of it is circumstance and situations around me that affect me to feel a certain way? For instance the whole "non-designer" commentary that hovers over my head at work. My emotions have developped an entire culture around how live now, in response to that commentary. They did a serious mind job. To the point where I sit at my desk and before I every create anything, my first thought is - "It sucks... already... because you're not a real designer."
There are more things that have developped their own layers of reality in my mind. I'm wondering if that's healthy at all... should I be attempting to smush everything back down into one layer? Or just hope that I make sense of all of these dimensions?
