There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Describes the feeling in the office right now. It's the night before Christmas Eve and mostly everyone has made their way home already. I'm still here draggin my feet to complete MB's clips... because, again, I don't feel like rushing home to nothing. Just another computer to stare at and a void. I thought I was gonna catch John Legend tonight with Sug (who is back in town YAAAY!!) and Max... but between my bad cold and the weather, Sug's call to reneg didn't upset me one bit. But now has left me with an open night of nothingness that I'm attempting to avoid. It's understandable. Everyone is with their loved ones today, tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday. As it should be. I will be too... I guess just not as soon as I'd like.
I called my baby a few minutes ago to see if he felt like coming to get me from work. AP told me that I shouldn't hesitate in asking him to do stuff like that. "Welcome to the Club" he said. But I don't want my baby to be part of THAT club: The club that feels like they're trapped and HAVE to do the things that wifey says.... OR ELSE. I want it to be open and free. He knows I'm sick... He knows I have to work late. If he deems it necessary, he'd come get me. I called and told him that I was going to call and ask him if he'd come get me. He replied that he just got home off the train because he didn't drive in................
Yep. That was my response. No offer to come through anyways. I guess I should have expected as much. I feel like if I have to come out and say "Babe... can you come get me anyways," that the action will be under quiet protest... and not offered as a gesture of kindness. So I don't push the issue. I'll just go home and suck it up. I do wish he would have offered though. He asked me to call when I'm leaving. I felt like saying, "Why?" But that would have been rude. I'll call.
I foresee the next few days being painfully quiet for me. Between playing Santa to a non-captive audience and being away from the work place, there will be a lot of scrambling to fill the space with stuff - things to do, places to go, people to see... something. I'm not altogether sad about it. Just reflective and quiet.
I guess I'll pony up and go home. Maybe more later... if anything interesting happens.
