There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This week was especially hard for me. First time in a long time that I almost did the "sleep at work" thing in order to get caught up on some long overdue and piling up work. It definitely helped me to put a dent in what existed. And thanks very much to Blinkwell, I didn't have to use my desk as a pillowtop; he rescued me from the anals of late work Hell. So I could go home and sleep for 3 hours, wake up, feel like shit, call in late and come in around 11:00. I just stayed later that day as well and caught all the way up. There was an unusual focus that day. I was angry at something that day, but it escapes me now what it even was. It was the kind of anger that makes you want to focus hard on something else. So it was needed and right on time. I even beat my Bejeweled top score on my palm pilot by like 10,000 cause I was so mad... lmao!!
Friday, I went into the office promising myself that it would be leisurly. I came in on time, busted out some work early on and then went and got my nails and toes done. The rain all day was completely undesireable all day. Then we had our company holiday party. It was a little less festive this year than in years past. But the food was free and the liquor was flowing. And I was indulging in both. Funny the things that spirits make you think you're feeling. It's an emotion intensifier. Good thing I had plenty of time to think about what I thought I was thinking before I acted on it. The reaction I would have gotten would have killed my buzz.
My baby called and said someone slashed his tires... and he wanted me to just go home. Which saddened me so much. I had looked forward to Friday night all week. But one more drink pushed me to realize... damnit.. I'm this man's wife-to-be! I felt wrong to be sitting only contemplating taking a cab to his house and just showing up. But I would NEVER want to compromise his privacy, wife or no. I called him and asked him if that was a possibility... and he said sure. So I caught a cab, who (luckily) knew where we were going because I was nodding off in the cab. Got to the house and walked in where everything was laid out for me in one room (clothes to change into and place to put my belongings). He had already gotten dressed to go pick us up some food at the store; he came back and we ate together... and somewhere between the itis and the liquor... I felt so sleepy. He escorted me to the other room where there were little candles all over and soft music cued up and I felt so special just by the gesture. Knowing that he'd been listening to me and did what I asked. We laid there, I caressed his skin (which is unbelievably soft *sigh*) and just fell asleep. But I was so happy to be there and I felt he was happy to be with me. We didn't have to do a thing. He heard my pleas and responded. That's all I needed. And we slept comfortably...till like... 5 am *devilsh grin*. The candles were still burning though. So it was all perfect.
I slept for the majority of the day as Aunt Flo landed this morning (perfect timing). The cramps were kicking my ass so I just watched movies and slept as I felt necessary while my baby went and got this tire situation rectified. When he did finally come back we got dressed and went to dinner with his best friend / best man CK. And then he brought me home. Which brings me to now. Where I was going to do some work because I thought I wasn't sleepy... but I am... and think I'll do more of that since I have the option. I'm just floating... I'm genuinely happy today :)
