There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Merry Christmas to all! I'm up late waiting for dad to come home from Midnight mass (it's 3:00 AM). And I just don't feel to comfortable sleeping till I know he's safe. I'm suffering from a deathlike headcold with a cough that threatens to dislodge my lungs every time. But for the most part, this Christmas is turning out like last Christmas. It's quiet. No tree. Gifts have been bought, but they were bought today, and I don't see the sense in wrapping them... to stick them on the living room table so that folks will unwrap, give a sheepish smile... "ohhhh.... how nice" and then throw it on their stock pile of stuff to collect dust. Then I have to clean up all the wrappings and throw them away anyways. I'm just going from room to room today and handing unwrapped gifts like... "Here. I know you needed one." Less and less festive every year. My brother attributes it to there being no kids for us to celebrate for. But we were festive UP TO 2002. Maybe it's cause Grandma isn't around. But what can you do. Promise to do better next year... I did that last year.
I guess we'll have to see. I'm excited about what I got for my baby. I can't wait for him to see it!! I wish I was that excited about christmas for everyone else. I guess the prospect of celebrating a family Christmas with my sweetie one day in our own house is keeping that spark of Christmas cheer alive in me... somewhere.
